I had my first therapy session yesterday afternoon…and it was the most refreshing experience I have had in a long while.
Not gonna lie, I was super nervous going into it because vulnerability isn’t exactly easy for me. Some people have the “I’m an open book” attitude, but not me. So having to discuss deep, personal stuff with a stranger was horribly intimidating. BUT I SURVIVED. However, this did not occur without a mild mental breakdown.
Let me explain…so I’m driving to my appointment when I receive a call (around 45ish minutes before my appointment) from the employee assistance program (EAP) that is supposed to be covering the cost of my first 3 face-to-face sessions. I pressed the “decline” button because I was more focused on listening to my GPS since I had no idea where the hell I was going. Anyways, I get to the place my appointment is in about 20 minutes. I decide to listen to the voicemail that was left from the caller I denied. I was fully expecting it to be a telemarketer but boy was I wrong. The voice on the message was not that of a telemarketer but that of someone from the EAP. They were calling to tell me that they made a mistake and the person they referred me to was actually NOT part of their database anymore…
*cue mental breakdown*
I called the callback number that was left to figure out what the hell was going on. They were apologetic but overall not super helpful. They just told me they could give me a new referral…but I didn’t want a new referral. See, I took the time to do my research and figure out who would be a good fit. I checked to see which providers specialized in anxiety. I checked to see who had experience dealing with disordered eating since that’s becoming an issue as of late. I checked to see who sounded like they would be warm, kind, and compassionate. I needed someone who seemed caring and trustworthy. And this particular provider fit all of those I needs I had.
Basically, I ended up crying to the person from the EAP and was a stressed out mess before I even got into the therapy room. Honestly, that was just the tip of the iceberg…tip of the iceberg made of way too many repressed emotions. That was the one last inconvenience that caused all the emotions to come to the surface. I was a mess before even meeting the therapist. Literally cried within minutes because the EAP situation had caused the dam to my emotions to break. Talk about a solid first impression.
Thankfully, I was met with so much compassion and understanding. She was so kind towards to me and so gentle with her words. I felt calm. I felt safe. I felt understood. I felt heard. My emotions felt validated. My walls were able to come down. I was able to address so many of the sources of my anxiety and it felt SO. FUCKING. GREAT.
So, I have another appointment scheduled in 2 weeks. Not sure how I’m going to pay for it, but I’ll figure it out. My insurance will only cover 25% of the cost, so it’ll be really expensive still. But I need this. I want this. I feel this will be really, really good for me.
That being said, if you’re reading this and are religious (I don’t care what religion just any spiritual belief at all) I’d so appreciate some prayers that this will work out financially for me because I want to get better. I want to take care of myself. I want to make myself a priority for the first time in my life.