Y’all. This past week has been rough, really rough.
My OT program transitioned to being fully online the rest of the term and it has definitely taken its toll on me. I miss my people. I miss being in class with my cohort and I miss getting to see all of faculty and staff (some more than others but ya know). It’s been hard. I feel so isolated and it is really weighing me down.
I’ve felt so numb honestly…not as on-edge and anxious, but more just numb to it all. It’s been more depression. I’ve hard a time getting myself to do anything. Sunday, I didn’t get out of bed until 2:00 pm. I just kept lying there, wanting to get up and get on with my day but also not wanting to do anything at all.
I had another therapy session on Monday which was helpful. It’s still pretty uncomfortable to have to be so vulnerable with someone I barely know, but at the same time it is so freeing. It’s especially nice too that my therapist has dealt with anxiety, depression, and eating disorders herself. She is actually able to really relate. I feel like she actually understands where I am coming from and also understands why it’s hard to break the cycle.
There were some hard pills to swallow this week though.
Hard pill #1: I need to cut people out of my life that I don’t necessarily want to let go of, but aren’t healthy for me to keep around. This is a hard one for me because I’m terrified of losing people and I’m so afraid of people leaving me. I’m not really used to people sticking around, so I’ll do anything to hold onto them, even if they are toxic. There is one person in particular my therapist feels I need to let go of, someone who was one of my best friends not too long ago. Shit hit the fan in our friendship and wow has it sucked. I want so much to have her back in my life, but she also said and did some really shitty, hurtful things to me. She has also said really shitty things about others behind their backs. While we haven’t been speaking, it has given me time to reflect…and I know that she isn’t the kind of person I need to keep around. I know she has treated me like shit, but I also hate losing her. It’s tough.
Hard pill to swallow #2: The way I see myself is why my relationship life has been nonexistent. Ummm…OUCH. I mean I get it. I understand where she was coming from, because yeah…I don’t see myself positively. You know that saying that goes something like “how can you expect anyone to love you until you learn to love yourself?” That probably applies here. I’m working on trying to be nicer to myself but it’s hard. I feel so unattractive and unworthy. Several spinal surgeries, a huge ass scar, uneven hips, uneven shoulders, scapular winging…how could anyone be attracted to that??? Honestly, this is definitely a TMI, but how could any guy ever want to sleep with me? How could any guy actually be attracted to all that? Which leads me to the next one…
Hard pill to swallow #3: The obsessive calorie counting and restricting food intake is becoming a bigger issue. Eating disorder. She actually said those words. I’ve known I’ve had one for a while now, but it’s so different to hear someone else actually say it. I don’t know how to break this thought process though. I’m so scared of gaining the weight back. It’s satisfying to watch it drop. It’s satisfying to be in control of at least one thing. I know it’s unhealthy. I know I should stop, but I don’t know if I want to.
I also had a panic attack on Tuesday night. First one in a while. I was hyperventilating on my bathroom floor at 12:30 am. It sucked. I hadn’t had a panic attack that bad since NYC. I’ve just felt so shitty all week. It’s one of those weeks when I feel like it won’t get better. I just feel so stuck, so lost. I don’t know anymore.