So…the title says it all. I sure has been a good long while since I’ve posted anything. To be quite honest, I kinda forgot this blog even existed. Kinda funny how this started out as a blog to document my OT school experience and was going to use it as a way to write about what I was learning (in OT school and life in general) and hoped it would be helpful for people.
That has NOT been the case. Pretty sure I’ve just been writing these things for no one but myself…and that’s ok…I don’t know, I guess I just hoped this thing could be helpful for others in some way or another. Also, OT school hasn’t exactly been the topic of discussion here – mental health has. More specifically, my mental health. It kinda became my place to word vomit and get stuff out. I’ve tried journaling and just wasn’t able to be consistent with it. I thought this might a better alternative. I spend an ungodly number of hours on my laptop anyways due to school and I thought that maybe others could see this and benefit…but no one really reads this. That’s fine. It’s still beneficial for me, but it would be nice if this blog could be a way to spark some community and lead to some conversations about mental health and provide some support for both myself and others. But I’m just word vomiting as usual. Moving on…
So…updates…where exactly do I begin? To be extremely blunt, life has been shitty. It has been hard and shitty. Lately, doing anything has been hard. It feels like my mind is in this constant tug-of-war battle between my anxiety and depression. Each day it feels like they are fighting over which one is going to make me feel worse, and with each day they both grow stronger. I feel so panicky, on-edge, and like I’m seconds away from experiencing something horrible, but at the same time I feel so weighed down and numb to just about everything.
Nothing is enjoyable for me anymore. I can hardly eat; it makes me nauseous to even try. Spending time with people doesn’t make me feel any better. Getting outside doesn’t do anything to help. I just feel so unattached from myself. I don’t feel like myself anymore and haven’t for quite some time now. I just don’t know what to do at this point.
I want to feel better. I want to get better. I want to feel like ME again…it just doesn’t seem like it’s ever going to happen. I keep trying medications and have yet to find one that helps. Therapy has been helpful. Gosh, I have such a wonderful therapist who has truly been such a good fit for me. But…I still feel awful.
Lately, it’s the depression that’s been the worst. Typically it’s my anxiety that wins out by a landslide, but lately the depression has been the thing that has made me feel so absolutely shitty. It’s physically painful at times. I want it to stop. I want to feel happy and feel good again…it just feels like that is never going to happen.
If anyone out there is reading this, please…anything would be helpful. Advice, encouragement, support…whatever you can give, I could really use. The hard days are far outnumbering the good ones and I want more than anything to just feel normal.
Lessons in the Lone Star 