An Honest Update

Life has sucked lately. It’s as plain and simple as that. Life has SUCKED. I’m not sure what it is exactly, but my anxiety and depression have both been really bad as of late, especially my depression.

The simplest of tasks feel so damn hard.  I just don’t have the energy to do anything.  Getting out of bed in the morning is a struggle and throughout the day I just look forward to when I can climb back into bed. I don’t really feel like doing anything. I don’t feel like going to the pool, working out, hanging out with friends, going anywhere, or even watching TV. I probably spent a good 4-5 hours just lying on the couch today. I wasn’t doing anything. I wasn’t watching anything on Netflix or reading a book or scrolling through my phone. I was just lying there, disconnected from it all. I didn’t even realize how long I had been there until I looked at the clock and saw that it was almost 6:00 and realized I had yet to eat anything today.

I’m just tired of living like this. I don’t have the desire to end my own life, but I do wish to stop living a life where I feel like this.  It’s awful.  My mind is in an all out battle with itself.  How is it that I can be simultaneously so anxious and panicky but also feel drained of all energy and disconnected from everything around me? 

Dealing with shitty mental health sucks.  What makes it suck even worse is that you don’t get the same compassion and understanding from people that you would if it were a physical health problem.  If I had a migraine, people would be sympathetic and tell me to “take it easy” and “don’t worry about it until I feel better.”  With anxiety and depression, it seems that most people display absolutely NO compassion.  Instead, people get pissed at you.  They jump to conclusions and are so quick to reprimand you for not being your best.  People don’t start taking the mental health of others seriously until it reaches an EXTREMELY serious point.  It’s not until someone ends up hospitalized for their mental health, or ends up taking their own life, that people FINALLY realize that person was actually struggling. 

I wish it didn’t have to be like this. I wish I could tell people how much I am hurting and how much I am struggling and actually receive compassion and understanding. Having to fake it is exhausting. Having people reprimand me for falling short when I’m struggling to manage my shitty mental health really sucks. I’m just at this point where I don’t know what to do anymore. I just want to feel good again, but it seems like that is never going to happen.