Well…I did it. I spilled my guts to my therapist about my attachment to her, and so many emotions came with it.
I was so nervous to tell her. I started to at my appointment last week but couldn’t work up the courage to do so. It felt too shameful and I wasn’t sure how to even approach it. This is something I have wanted to address for several months but I had been too scared to do it.
I tried to push these feelings aside and tell myself that it’s just a normal part of therapy. I know that these feelings are normal; transference often happens in therapy. However, the longing to have a personal relationship with my therapist and to be nurtured and cared for by her has persisted. As these feelings have continued, it has only made me feel more ashamed for my attachment. It felt like I was doing something wrong for experiencing such a strong attachment. I knew it was something I should talk to her about, especially since I was feeling so ashamed and frustrated with myself for feeling this way.
It was nerve-racking to tell her, but it also felt good to get it out there. She wasn’t judgmental, weirded out, or angry, all of which I was afraid of for some reason. I don’t know why, as she has always been so kind, but that was still a fear I had. She was nothing but understanding and listened with such kindness. We talked about it further and the maternal transference I was experiencing. This conversation came with MANY tears, but she was so caring and made me feel comfortable.
It still sucks, though. I wish our relationship didn’t have to remain professional. I wish I could meetup with her outside of my appointments and get to know her on a personal level. I wish I got to spend more than just 45 minutes/week with her. It kills me how much I miss her in-between sessions sometimes. My appointments with her are the only time I get a hug from anyone. My appointments with her are the only consistent face-to-face interaction I get with someone I feel like cares about me. Those 45 minutes each week are the only time I feel like I can be honest about how I’m feeling without fear of any judgment.
I feel better after talking to her about it, but those feelings of attachment are still there. The desire to be cared for by her in a maternal way is still there. I’m not sure how to navigate this, but I’m proud of myself for having the courage to address this and I’m grateful to have a therapist who is so kind and understanding.
Here’s to continuing to push forward, no matter how hard life is. I’ve got this. You’ve got this. Sending light & love your way!
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Well done for bringing it up!