Drowning in Panic

It’s been awhile since I’ve been on here. I’m sorry, I’ve had a lot going on that I’ll discuss in upcoming posts here soon (I promise!). Right now, I just needed to hop on here and do some vulnerability vomit…

It’s been hard. I’m not sure what it is exactly, but I’ve been extra anxious and feeling VERY panicky the past couple days. I woke up in the middle of the night last night, having a panic attack. I had another one in my therapist’s office today. It wasn’t anywhere near as bad as the last one o had in front of her, but it still wasn’t fun. I had ANOTHER ONE in my apartment tonight…

I don’t know why it has to be like this. Why can’t my mind just calm down? I’m so tired of living like this. I just want to fast forward to the part of my life where I will feel happy and content and like I actually have a handle on my mental health.

I’m not really sure what else to say. I’m probably just going to go bury myself in my bed with my dog. I’ll write more tomorrow. For now, sending light & love your way.

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Journaling has been very therapeutic for me to sort through my thoughts. I highly recommend it for anyone struggling with anxiety or depression. If you’re new to it, it can be difficult to know exactly how to start. That’s why I created this journaling guide! It’s titled Journey to Journaling and contains 36 journaling prompts to inspire you and encourage thoughtful self-reflection.

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A hangover…but make it the day after a panic attack

Hungover. That’s kind of the best way to describe how I’m feeling right now??? I guess??? I don’t know…

What I do know is I. Feel. Like. Shit. I feel like SHIT.

I’ve been out of it all day today, following my panic attack yesterday. I’ve felt drained of all energy and haven’t accomplished a thing today. I made a little “to do” list yesterday evening. I typed it out in the “notes” section on my phone, hoping it would give me that little push to get shit done today. Well…that hasn’t happened…at all. I have done nothing except just sit on the sofa with my dog.

I haven’t had anything to eat/drink today except a smoothie I made for breakfast and some iced coffee. I’m trying to work up the energy to do literally ANYTHING but it just feels impossible. It all seems like too much…

I just hate feeling like this. I want it to be next week already so I can see my therapist again. That’s the one place where I feel like I can be honest with how I’m feeling…

Checkout my journaling guide, Journey to Journaling: 36 Journaling Prompts to Inspire You & Promote Thoughtful Reflection, and my self-care guide, Worth It! A Guide to Helping You Practice Self-Care. Both are available on Amazon for $9.99 as a paperback and a Kindle edition. Both are also available for $9.99 on Payhip as a digital download if you prefer a digital copy but don’t have a Kindle. Click the links below to purchase:

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Shame…

That’s the only way to describe how I feel right now. Shame.

I had a panic attack during my therapy session today. I have been quite overwhelmed lately due to multiple stressors in my life currently and it’s just been…a lot…

We were talking and suddenly, I could feel IT. I could feel the panic attack coming on – I felt hot, my ears were ringing, I was struggling to catch my breath, and felt nauseous. I knew that I was going to have a panic attack, and knew it would be in front of my therapist.

She was nothing but kind to me. She talked me through some deep breathing and when the nausea didn’t subside, she walked me to the bathroom.

She was gentle with her words the whole time, and I felt very cared for. I know she’s trained to handle these things and I know she cares about me, as a truly good therapist should…but I still feel so much shame for that happening. Panic attacks are awful. I wouldn’t wish for anyone to experience one. It’s an extremely vulnerable thing for someone to witness.

I don’t know…I just feel embarrassed that it happened in front of her and she had to deal with it.

I really don’t know what else to say. I just really needed to write out my thoughts, so I can help myself. Maybe someone else who has experienced this can find comfort in knowing they’re not alone.

Checkout my journaling guide, Journey to Journaling: 36 Journaling Prompts to Inspire You & Promote Thoughtful Reflection, and my self-care guide, Worth It! A Guide to Helping You Practice Self-Care. Both are available on Amazon for $9.99 as a paperback and a Kindle edition. Both are also available for $9.99 on Payhip as a digital download if you prefer a digital copy but don’t have a Kindle. Click the links below to purchase:

Click to purchase on Amazon!
Click to purchase on Payhip!

Thoughts During S*****e Awareness Month

TRIGGER WARNING: This blog post does address the topics of suicide awareness and struggling with suicidal thoughts. If either of these things are triggering for you, then please close out of this post. None of my posts are ever meant to cause harm. I only want to raise awareness and create community so people can see they are NOT alone.

September is suicide awareness month, so I felt it was only fitting that I write some raw, honest thoughts in this topic that is close to my heart.

I’ve been there, that point of reaching the lowest of lows and wanting so desperately for the pain to stop. I’ve been at that place of feeling like things would never get better.

Although I have never had a plan to carry anything out, I have struggled with the thoughts of wishing that I could end my life. I struggled with thinking that if there was a fail-proof way to do it, I just might. In all honesty, a big part of the reason I never acted on those thoughts was out of the fear of what could happen if I wasn’t successful. Could I be left with brain damage due to oxygen being cut off for too long? Could I possibly lose my independence and no longer be able to do basics tasks like feeding and dressing myself? Would my parents have to take care of me for the rest of my life like they did when I was a toddler? Questions like those are a big part of the reason I didn’t ever act on those thoughts.

A couple of things really helped me work through and overcome those thoughts:

1. My dog – dogs are called man’s best friend for a reason. My little dog is seriously the sweetest, most loving little boy. He is so in-tune with my emotions and takes care of me as much as I do him. He snuggles me and gives me kisses during panic attacks or in the midst of the tears during a difficult depression day. When my ED was at its worst, he would sit beside me in the bathroom as I forced myself to throw up. His love has been unconditional, and it’s a HUGE part of the reason I am still here today.

2. Therapy – being able to go to therapy and have such a WONDERFUL therapist has made such a HUGE difference. I was so scared and ashamed when I told her I was struggling with these thoughts. I was afraid she may have me involuntarily admitted or choose to stop seeing me. Her response was far from that. She responded with so much kindness, understanding, and compassion, which was EXACTLY what I needed. She didn’t judge me but instead told me she appreciated me being honest and telling her.

I’d be lying if I said I still don’t occasionally have those low points where I want the pain to stop. The difference now is that I have learned what coping strategies work best for me and I know that I can safely and comfortably address these feelings with my therapist. I’ve made it through my low points before and will continue to rise above whatever is thrown at me. It really does get better.

If you are struggling, you do not have to work through the pain on your own. Below are some resources that can help:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline – 1-800-273-8255: The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24/7 for free, confidential support. They also provide prevention and crisis resources that are beneficial if you or someone you know is thinking of harming themselves.

Psychology Today – https://www.psychologytoday.com/us: Psychology Today is a WONDERFUL resource for finding a therapist that best meets your needs. You can search for therapists in your area that specialize in treating your condition(s). You can also set additional filters to better search for therapists that align with your needs. Filters include, but are not limited to: insurance they take, price they charge, gender, types of therapy they specialize in (ex: CBT, MBCT, emotionally-focused, attachment-based), ethnicity served, sexuality, LGBTQ+ friendly, and religion (if it’s important that your therapist practices the same religion as you and you want it to be part of your treatment, this filter is really great).

Support Groups – Support groups are another great option, especially if paying for therapy sessions is not in your budget. Support groups can allow you to meet with other individuals who are also living with depression, anxiety, PTSD, eating disorders, or another mental health condition. Support groups are free and will allow you to find community with others in your area. Just go to Google and search “depression support groups near me” (or whatever diagnosis you need a support group for) and see what comes up. Websites like Anxiety and Depression Association of America (https://adaa.org/supportgroups) and Mental Health America (https://mhanational.org/) have support groups currently meeting listed on their websites. You can find meetings near you by entering in your city and state or your zip code.

As always, I am here for anyone who needs someone to talk to. You don’t have to do things alone.

With love,

J

The Rollercoaster That Is Mental Health

Living with a mental health diagnosis is like riding on a rollercoaster – there’s lots of ups & downs, twists & turns, getting thrown for a loop, and suddenly going backwards when you thought you were moving forward.

This all has felt EXTREMELY accurate for my life in the past year or so. I have experienced some of the highest of highs, where I have felt really, truly happy. I have also experienced some of the lowest of lows, where I didn’t feel like I would ever experience anything good or feel happy again. I’ve had days where I’ve had NO desire to do anything and just chose to lie on the couch or in my bed for hours at a time. I’ve also had days where I felt content and at peace with life.

The thing is, I never know what my days are going to be like; it’s like getting on a rollercoaster for the first time, unsure of what the ride will entail. But, just like when riding a rollercoaster, it helps to have people sitting in the seat(s) beside you. Having people there to support you – family, friends, a trusted therapist – makes all the difference. You don’t have to get on the ride alone. You can have people with you through all the ups & downs; you don’t have to go through the stomach-dropping moments and uncertainty on your own. Find the people in your life you can trust. Even having just ONE person who can support you can make all the difference.

An Honest Update

Life has sucked lately. It’s as plain and simple as that. Life has SUCKED. I’m not sure what it is exactly, but my anxiety and depression have both been really bad as of late, especially my depression.

The simplest of tasks feel so damn hard.  I just don’t have the energy to do anything.  Getting out of bed in the morning is a struggle and throughout the day I just look forward to when I can climb back into bed. I don’t really feel like doing anything. I don’t feel like going to the pool, working out, hanging out with friends, going anywhere, or even watching TV. I probably spent a good 4-5 hours just lying on the couch today. I wasn’t doing anything. I wasn’t watching anything on Netflix or reading a book or scrolling through my phone. I was just lying there, disconnected from it all. I didn’t even realize how long I had been there until I looked at the clock and saw that it was almost 6:00 and realized I had yet to eat anything today.

I’m just tired of living like this. I don’t have the desire to end my own life, but I do wish to stop living a life where I feel like this.  It’s awful.  My mind is in an all out battle with itself.  How is it that I can be simultaneously so anxious and panicky but also feel drained of all energy and disconnected from everything around me? 

Dealing with shitty mental health sucks.  What makes it suck even worse is that you don’t get the same compassion and understanding from people that you would if it were a physical health problem.  If I had a migraine, people would be sympathetic and tell me to “take it easy” and “don’t worry about it until I feel better.”  With anxiety and depression, it seems that most people display absolutely NO compassion.  Instead, people get pissed at you.  They jump to conclusions and are so quick to reprimand you for not being your best.  People don’t start taking the mental health of others seriously until it reaches an EXTREMELY serious point.  It’s not until someone ends up hospitalized for their mental health, or ends up taking their own life, that people FINALLY realize that person was actually struggling. 

I wish it didn’t have to be like this. I wish I could tell people how much I am hurting and how much I am struggling and actually receive compassion and understanding. Having to fake it is exhausting. Having people reprimand me for falling short when I’m struggling to manage my shitty mental health really sucks. I’m just at this point where I don’t know what to do anymore. I just want to feel good again, but it seems like that is never going to happen.

Religion and Mental Health

This might be a more controversial blog post, but it’s something I really want to say and feel NEEDS to be said. So, here goes…

This month is Mental Health Awareness Month.  I love this month as it’s a time that’s meant to shed light on mental illness, but I feel that part of talking about mental illness should also include talking about the BARRIERS that prevent people from receiving the services that could be so beneficial to them.  One of the biggest barriers I feel contributes to people not reaching out to receive the help they need is religion. 

I don’t know about you, but I grew up always attending super conservative private Christian schools.  There was a lot of good to it, but also a lot of bad.  Quite honestly, it was such a toxic environment at times.  I so greatly appreciate that my parents had the financial means and the desire for me to receive a private school education (and spend my years rocking the polo shirts and skorts), because I know not everyone had that opportunity.  However, it was not an experience that was full of sunshine and rainbows. 

I felt like I was having to meet an unattainable standard of perfection. Many of the people around me were very judgmental and had a holier-than-thou attitude. If you weren’t going on a mission trip over the summer, you were looked down on. If you weren’t signing up to speak at chapel, you were looked down on. If you weren’t cracking open your Bible first thing in the morning, you were looked down on. The list goes on and on. It made me feel very inadequate. NOW, I want to say that not all Christians are like this.  Many are really great, but many are also not-so-great.  Just like with any other religion, there are some bad eggs. 

One of the things that REALLY pisses me off about Christianity is this belief many people have that struggling with your mental health is the result of not trusting God. If you are anxious, it’s because you are not trusting God and should pray to Him to bring you peace. If you are depressed, it’s because you are trying to find your joy in worldly things rather than Him. IT IS SO FRUSTRATING!!! Why is it that for a PHYSICAL HEALTH condition, people receive sympathy. People pray for you and tell you how brave/strong/inspiring you are. Yet, for a MENTAL HEALTH condition, you just need to trust God more/you aren’t a good enough Christian.

I feel like religion, and Christianity especially, creates such a HUGE barrier to people receiving the help they need. I know for me, many a time when I was growing up and was anxious (whether over something logical or illogical), I was made to feel like my feelings weren’t valid and was told that the solution was “just pray about it.”

Yes, God can bring you peace during anxiety, but do you know what else can bring you peace? MEDICATION!!! SEEING A TRAINED THERAPIST!!! There is absolutely NO SHAME in seeking help for your mental health that doesn’t involve religion having to be at the center of it. Do what is best for YOU.

If you are someone who feels that the solution to mental illness is to “just pray” or “get in The Word,” then that is perfectly fine. If that is what works for you, then DO IT. BUT, do NOT shame someone else for choosing to use medication and/or seek help from a therapist, regardless of what their religious beliefs are. If you have thought about getting on medication, DO IT. If you have thought about seeking help from a licensed therapist, DO IT. Do whatever is best for YOU and will meet YOUR personal needs.

If religion has made you feel ashamed for your mental health diagnosis(es), I am so very sorry. I know the feeling all too well, but I also know how freeing it is to say “screw it” and take control of my mental health, regardless of what others have made me think. It was a journey to get here, but I can truly say that starting therapy over a year ago and sticking with it has been one of the BEST things I have ever done for myself. It can get better; you just have to decide what is best for YOU, and YOU are the only one who really can decide what that best-fit is.

Sending light & love your way! – J

Checkout my journaling guide, Journey to Journaling: 36 Journaling Prompts to Inspire You & Promote Thoughtful Reflection, and my self-care guide, Worth It! A Guide to Helping You Practice Self-Care. Both are available on Amazon for $9.99 as a paperback and a Kindle edition. Both are also available for $9.99 on Payhip as a digital download if you prefer a digital copy but don’t have a Kindle. Click the links below to purchase:

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Let’s Get Cooking: Edamame and Bell Pepper Quinoa Salad

If you read my previous post, “Let’s Get Cooking: Broccoli and Bell Pepper Quinoa Salad,” this one is VERY similar. This quinoa salad is another favorite of mine to meal prep for lunch during the week. Just like the other one, this one is also full of flavor and will help to keep you energized. It’s super healthy and also super easy to make. So, with that, I give you my recipe for edamame and bell pepper quinoa salad!

Makes 2 servings.

Here’s what you need:

  • 1/2 cup uncooked quinoa
  • 1 green bell pepper diced
  • 2 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil
  • 1/2 lemon juiced
  • 3/4 cup crumbled feta
  • 2 tablespoons pepitas
  • 3/4 cup edamame (out of the shell; I use the frozen kind and cook it according to package instructions)
  • Salt, cracked black pepper, garlic powder, and Italian seasoning

Here’s what you need to do:

  1. Cook the 1/2 cup of quinoa according to package instructions. Once finished cooking, let cool.
  2. In a mixing bowl, add the cooked quinoa, diced green bell pepper, edamame, pepitas, and feta.
  3. Now you want to make the dressing. In a small bowl, add the 2 tablespoons of extra virgin olive oil and squeeze the juice from 1/2 a lemon. Whisk the two together. Add in salt, cracked black pepper, garlic powder, and Italian seasoning to taste. Whisk together again. There is no specific amount for the seasonings; I just eyeball it to my liking. Use whatever amount satisfies your tastebuds.
  4. Pour the dressing mixture into the bowl with the other ingredients and mix together.
  5. If using the salad for meal prep, divide it in half and place in two tupperware containers.
  6. Can be stored in fridge for up to 4 days (??? I’ve always eaten it within this timeframe and it’s always been fine)

I hope you enjoy giving this one a try! If you like it, let me know!

Checkout my journaling guide, Journey to Journaling: 36 Journaling Prompts to Inspire You & Promote Thoughtful Reflection, and my self-care guide, Worth It! A Guide to Helping You Practice Self-Care. Both are available on Amazon for $9.99 as a paperback and a Kindle edition. Both are also available for $9.99 on Payhip as a digital download if you prefer a digital copy but don’t have a Kindle. Click the links below to purchase:

Click to purchase on Amazon!
Click to purchase on Payhip!

Let’s Get Cooking: Broccoli and Bell Pepper Quinoa Salad

Don’t worry; this isn’t about to be one of those recipe blog posts where the author goes on and on for several paragraphs before FINALLY getting to the actual recipe. I’ll get to the point real quick. I love meal prepping for the week, especially for lunch. I find it makes my days so much easier if I take the time over the weekend to cook some tasty, healthy meals for the upcoming week. This broccoli & bell pepper quinoa salad is a favorite of mine for lunch during the week. It is easy to make and is SO GOOD. It’s full of flavor, it’s super healthy, and will keep you energized. So with that, here is my recipe for broccoli & bell pepper quinoa salad.

Makes 2 servings

Here’s what you need:

  • 1/2 cup uncooked quinoa
  • 1 red bell pepper diced
  • 2 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil
  • 1/2 lemon juiced
  • 3/4 cup crumbled feta
  • 2 tablespoons pepitas
  • 2 cups broccoli florets
  • Salt, cracked black pepper, garlic powder, and Italian seasoning

Here’s what you need to do:

  1. Cook the 1/2 cup of quinoa according to package instructions. Once finished cooking, let cool.
  2. In a mixing bowl, add the cooked quinoa, diced red bell pepper, broccoli florets, pepitas, and feta.
  3. Now you want to make the dressing. In a small bowl, add the 2 tablespoons of extra virgin olive oil and squeeze the juice from 1/2 a lemon. Whisk the two together. Add in salt, cracked black pepper, garlic powder, and Italian seasoning to taste. Whisk together again. There is no specific amount for the seasonings; I just eyeball it to my liking. Use whatever amount satisfies your tastebuds.
  4. Pour the dressing mixture into the bowl with the other ingredients and mix together.
  5. If using the salad for meal prep, divide it in half and place in two tupperware containers.
  6. Can be stored in fridge for up to 4 days (??? I’ve always eaten it within this timeframe and it’s always been fine)

I hope you enjoy! If you do give it a try, feel free to let me know!

Checkout my journaling guide, Journey to Journaling: 36 Journaling Prompts to Inspire You & Promote Thoughtful Reflection, and my self-care guide, Worth It! A Guide to Helping You Practice Self-Care. Both are available on Amazon for $9.99 as a paperback and a Kindle edition. Both are also available for $9.99 on Payhip as a digital download if you prefer a digital copy but don’t have a Kindle. Click the links below to purchase:

Click to purchase on Amazon!
Click to purchase on Payhip!