Late Night Ramblings

It was better for a while, but now it’s getting worse. I thought I was starting to get my anxiety under control, but no…

My medication had to be increased again today. Part of me feels like such a failure for it. How did I get here? How did I get to a place of not being able to handle myself mentally? I don’t know anymore. I feel stuck. It’s getting all-consuming again and I hate it.

I feel like I’m alone in my suffering. I had one friend who was also dealing with a lot of mental health struggles as well. We were really able to lean on each other and support each other through the ups and the downs, on the good days and the really shitty days. Except for now I don’t have that. Our friendship is kind of on the rocks right now. Basically she said some things that were so over-the-line hurtful regarding really personal stuff for me and said some really hateful things about others in our circle. I confronted her on how I felt on the matter and she got pissed and was denying that she had done anything. So we haven’t spoken in almost 2 months and it sucks.

She was one of the two people I have been able to talk to about my anxiety and trust with all of that. I still have the one professor who has been a huge blessing in supporting me and encouraging me, but I don’t want to burden her with my struggles. I’m so afraid she is going to get tired of it and want nothing to do with me, leaving me with no one to talk to. I wish my parents understood mental health but they don’t see this type of stuff as an issue. They see it as being dramatic, creating stress, and doing it to myself. They don’t believe in using medication or therapy for it.

I don’t know. I just feel stuck, scared, and so alone.


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