TRIGGER WARNING: This blog post does address the topics of suicide awareness and struggling with suicidal thoughts. If either of these things are triggering for you, then please close out of this post. None of my posts are ever meant to cause harm. I only want to raise awareness and create community so people can see they are NOT alone.
September is suicide awareness month, so I felt it was only fitting that I write some raw, honest thoughts in this topic that is close to my heart.
I’ve been there, that point of reaching the lowest of lows and wanting so desperately for the pain to stop. I’ve been at that place of feeling like things would never get better.
Although I have never had a plan to carry anything out, I have struggled with the thoughts of wishing that I could end my life. I struggled with thinking that if there was a fail-proof way to do it, I just might. In all honesty, a big part of the reason I never acted on those thoughts was out of the fear of what could happen if I wasn’t successful. Could I be left with brain damage due to oxygen being cut off for too long? Could I possibly lose my independence and no longer be able to do basics tasks like feeding and dressing myself? Would my parents have to take care of me for the rest of my life like they did when I was a toddler? Questions like those are a big part of the reason I didn’t ever act on those thoughts.
A couple of things really helped me work through and overcome those thoughts:
1. My dog – dogs are called man’s best friend for a reason. My little dog is seriously the sweetest, most loving little boy. He is so in-tune with my emotions and takes care of me as much as I do him. He snuggles me and gives me kisses during panic attacks or in the midst of the tears during a difficult depression day. When my ED was at its worst, he would sit beside me in the bathroom as I forced myself to throw up. His love has been unconditional, and it’s a HUGE part of the reason I am still here today.
2. Therapy – being able to go to therapy and have such a WONDERFUL therapist has made such a HUGE difference. I was so scared and ashamed when I told her I was struggling with these thoughts. I was afraid she may have me involuntarily admitted or choose to stop seeing me. Her response was far from that. She responded with so much kindness, understanding, and compassion, which was EXACTLY what I needed. She didn’t judge me but instead told me she appreciated me being honest and telling her.
I’d be lying if I said I still don’t occasionally have those low points where I want the pain to stop. The difference now is that I have learned what coping strategies work best for me and I know that I can safely and comfortably address these feelings with my therapist. I’ve made it through my low points before and will continue to rise above whatever is thrown at me. It really does get better.
If you are struggling, you do not have to work through the pain on your own. Below are some resources that can help:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline – 1-800-273-8255: The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24/7 for free, confidential support. They also provide prevention and crisis resources that are beneficial if you or someone you know is thinking of harming themselves.
Psychology Today – https://www.psychologytoday.com/us: Psychology Today is a WONDERFUL resource for finding a therapist that best meets your needs. You can search for therapists in your area that specialize in treating your condition(s). You can also set additional filters to better search for therapists that align with your needs. Filters include, but are not limited to: insurance they take, price they charge, gender, types of therapy they specialize in (ex: CBT, MBCT, emotionally-focused, attachment-based), ethnicity served, sexuality, LGBTQ+ friendly, and religion (if it’s important that your therapist practices the same religion as you and you want it to be part of your treatment, this filter is really great).
Support Groups – Support groups are another great option, especially if paying for therapy sessions is not in your budget. Support groups can allow you to meet with other individuals who are also living with depression, anxiety, PTSD, eating disorders, or another mental health condition. Support groups are free and will allow you to find community with others in your area. Just go to Google and search “depression support groups near me” (or whatever diagnosis you need a support group for) and see what comes up. Websites like Anxiety and Depression Association of America (https://adaa.org/supportgroups) and Mental Health America (https://mhanational.org/) have support groups currently meeting listed on their websites. You can find meetings near you by entering in your city and state or your zip code.
As always, I am here for anyone who needs someone to talk to. You don’t have to do things alone.
With love,
J
Lessons in the Lone Star 